The Difference a Year Makes

I was thinking about my New Year's Resolution the other day, and it made me reflect back over the course my life has taken this year. I went from being an expectant mother to a mother. My whole attitude about life changed. Instead of everything being about me, and how I wanted things to go in my life, I started thinking about our family, our life, and my daughter's happiness and well-being. Not only that, I have gained a deep appreciation for how precious life is.

It hasn't been easy. Those first few weeks at home from the hospital, I was convinced I had the most difficult baby ever born. I was tired, sore, and couldn't get her to sleep at night or on her back. It wasn't the glamorous coming home they broadcast on TV and in the movies. After some painful complications during delivery, I felt like I had been torn inside out, and then they make me almost solely responsible for this little 7.5-pound human. Wait, WHAT?!?

I couldn't just pick up and go to the store anymore. Heck, I couldn't even take a shower or go to the bathroom on a whim. I felt like I was under house arrest. I was constantly afraid to go anywhere with Rachel because if she woke up, she would probably cry or fuss or want to be fed when I had nowhere to feed her. Not to mention if I did manage to get out, I felt like something out of Night of the Living Dead. I watched Duane somewhat settle into a normal life again, and I was amazingly envious. I was either feeding, changing, or comforting the baby...and possibly sleeping while she slept or attending to the tatters I called my home.

But I cherished the time I had with my daughter. With every day, I felt like I was becoming more of a mother and less of a shocked individual wondering where her freedom went. As Rachel got older, I got to be more of an adult. Going back to work also helped. I felt like I had a place to be me again, as hard as it was to leave Rachel in the beginning. Once I could bear to talk about her, I was able to share pictures with people and feel more like a proud mommy.

And now I can run errands and just take Rachel with me. I have found that people are far more understanding about a crying baby than I give them credit for, and I have the timing down pretty well so that she rarely starts to fuss until we are standing in line getting ready to pay.

But I would say the biggest change in my life this year has been my appreciation for it. I will watch a television show where the bad guy dies, and I find myself welling up with tears, wondering what his mommy would think about her baby boy dying all alone. At first, I thought it was my hormones, but 6 months out, I am still an emotional mess when I see someone die on TV, in a movie, or in real life. I think it is because I was there when a life started. I went through the 10-month progression from making a baby, to worrying about keeping something the size of a grape safe, to becoming a walking incubator for this little being who kicked and turned and wriggled inside me, to caring for this precious child who looks so much like me that sometimes I forget we are two different people.

After going through something like that, I guess it's just natural to look at all life as precious. Everyone had a mom and a dad at some point, and maybe they are out there wondering about their child's safety the way I worry constantly about Rachel's.

So even though my New Year's resolution is actually to finish losing this last 6 pounds of baby weight, I feel like I have already really accomplished a lot in the last year. But I am sure plenty more life lessons will follow, so keep reading.