4 Months

First, I have to apologize because I was mistaken -- Rachel's doctors appointment was today, not Friday. I am glad I discovered this before Friday, or I would have been pretty irritated with myself.

Rachel turned 4 months old on Thursday. I had been suffering from a cold since Sunday, and Rachel decided she didn't want to sleep more than an hour at a time last week, so by Thursday I was pretty miserable. I actually gave warning at work that I probably wouldn't go in to work Friday because by the time I left work on Thursday, I couldn't see straight because of the pressure in my sinus cavity. So poor Rachel and I didn't have a great week, but on Friday I got lots of sleep while she was at the sitter and I was rejuvenated by the time I had to pick her up.

Saturday was a HUGE milestone for Rachel because she ate her first few bites of rice cereal! I don't think she liked it much.

But she held it down and by Sunday I think she started to get the hang of it. I snuck her some applesauce on Sunday too, and she liked the taste of that better, so I think she is ready to be a big girl eater.

We also decided to let her cry-it-out on Saturday because she wasn't taking her naps when I would lay her down. The sitter tells me she is very scheduled, requires no swaddling, and goes right to sleep around the same time every day for a few hours. Yet for my weekends, she won't sleep when I set her down. So we set her in her crib, turned the monitor on but left the volume down (so we could see the lights but not hear her crying), and retreated to the basement and waited for her to fall asleep.

Normally I am not a proponent of letting a baby cry, but I also think that Rachel has gotten to the point where she needs to learn how to put herself to sleep. I have gotten tons of advice from tons of mothers. Nothing has worked so far, and even though Rachel is only 4 months old, neither of us is getting any sleep right now, and that isn't healthy for either of us.

Today, the pediatrician confirmed that we need to let her cry herself to sleep. Most people tell me this will take about 3 rough nights, but that at the end of the week, she will be sleeping through the night, or at least for longer than 3-hour spurts. Wish us luck!

Okay, here are the 4-month stats!

• 13 lbs 10 oz. (50th percentile)


• 25.5 inches (90th percentile)


• The doctor says she is remarkably strong. She was trying to stand on the table while he was examining her!

October Sunday

Duane has been working a lot, so Rachel and I have been hanging out. And Mommy has been shopping for fall gear for Rachel! Here are some photos of our lazy Sunday! (If I look tired, it's because I am. Rachel has yet to return to sleeping through the night. We shall be asking the doctor about this on Friday.)

One Year Ago...

366 days ago, I woke up from a lovely dream. I had been dreaming about taking a pregnancy test and watching it turn positive. I woke up feeling so lively and happy; in fact, the dream was so powerful that it prompted me to take a pregnancy test. But I couldn't bear to watch another pregnancy test turn negative. So I peed on the little stick and left the room. A couple of minutes later, I walked back in and glanced at the test and did a double-take -- IT WAS POSITIVE!

I was completely unprepared for the emotions that would follow the excitement of that day. I don't think anyone ever considers the bad aspects of pregnancy and parenthood...it is masked by all the joy you experience throughout those 9 months after you see that little positive pop up.

The first 8 weeks were full of happiness, worry, anticipation, and nausea as we told our family and friends, fretted over any possible sign of a miscarriage, saw our baby for the first time, and encountered the lovely world of morning sickness. Once we reached the second trimester, the morning sickness gave way to hormone-driven emotions, and scares over a couple of falls. As my belly got bigger, we grew more eager to meet our baby, and at 21 weeks, we learned we would be having a little girl! We had already decided to name her Rachel Louise, and we began to prepare for her arrival.

As I approached the end of my pregnancy, Duane and I grew impatient to meet our little daughter. We began to see her movements more decidedly as she squirmed in my belly every evening. We wondered who she would resemble -- would she have my lips? Duane's eyes? hair?

In the last couple of weeks before her birth, the anticipation and impatience turned to overall frustration as I awaited labor. On Sunday, June 22nd, four days past my due date, I was awaiting the induction my doctor had scheduled for that Tuesday. As I laid down to bed that night, I talked to Duane about all the things I needed to pick up the next day. As I listened to him snore himself to sleep, I was once again plagued with the insomnia that had been so present in those last few months of pregnancy (the bigger your belly gets, the more difficult it is too sleep!). All of a sudden, at 11:47 p.m. (yes, I noted the exact minute), I felt this gush. I ran to the bathroom -- sure enough, my water broke! Duane went into a frenzy as I called the doctor, and off to the hospital we went, with me dripping through my three layers of padding and clothes. (You always imagine water breaking as one big gush and then nothing, but let me tell you, it is more like a pulse of water that keeps surging for about an hour or so.)

I experienced 13 hours of labor, though it didn't seem that hard until the last hour. And then, there was my baby -- but it didn't quite click that she was my baby. I remember thinking she was a beautiful baby, but it didn't feel like she was mine. Maybe I was just too tired to realize it, or maybe it was the barrage of visitors, but I didn't really feel like she was my baby until the second day or so, when I was caring for her by myself in the hospital because Duane had gone home to grab some things. I was trying to take a shower and had to roll her bassinet into the bathroom with me. She started crying as I was toweling off and I remember saying, "It's okay, mommy's here."

After the fatigue of labor started to wear off and the pain had long set in, I started to get scared. Scared of taking her home, out of the bubble of the hospital where I could send her back to the nursery whenever I needed to sleep. Scared of being a mommy. Scared to move from pregnancy to parenthood.

The following weeks were the hardest of my life. I had experienced a rough labor (although the epidural hid it well) so my recovery was pretty difficult. I had no idea how to care for this little being, no idea why she wouldn't sleep in her crib, no idea how many times to feed her every day or why she seemed so incredibly fussy. I felt depressed that my first pregnancy was over and I was no longer the baby carrier but the baby carer. People didn't say hi to me anymore, they didn't ask about me outside of a courteous "How are you?" It was all about the baby -- and while I adored her, I was starting to understand why they give you so much time off of work for maternity leave. It is hard to have a baby -- physically and emotionally.

Your life changes forever. I can't just pick up and run to the store anymore. I have to make sure someone can watch the baby. I am a walking boob. I adore my time with my daughter but long for time on my own. I watch her laugh one minute and feel this elated joy that I can't even describe. Then in an instant, she begins to fuss and I feel despair because I want to soothe her.

366 days ago, I woke up from a lovely dream and started down the path to parenthood. It has been an amazingly beautiful and scary journey. And even though I get sad sometimes -- sad that the pregnancy is over or that Rachel is growing so fast or that I can't do some of the things I used to -- I look at this little girl and I know it is all worth it. :)

We Have Teething...

I know what you're thinking -- normally, a baby doesn't cut teeth until 5-6 months. And quite possibly, Rachel won't actually cut any teeth until then. But she is showing those early signs that some teeth are sprouting below the surface of her gums. Lately, her fists are her best friends, and she chomps away on them constantly. She has also started making what I call her "teething face."

I feel horrible for her, because there isn't much I can do to relieve the discomfort. I give her Orajel, infant Tylenol, and teething rings, and they all seem to mask the problem temporarily. We haven't hit the worst of it, I fear, because no little teeth are visible yet.

Other than that, things are great. Duane went to Pennsylvania this weekend for a motorcycle track day, so Rachel and I had the house to ourselves for a girls' weekend. We had grandma and grandpa over on Saturday for the Ohio State game, and you should have heard this kid squealing in what could only be explained as excitement!

Then on Sunday we went to my department's picnic. It was such a beautiful day, and Rachel was in an excellent mood! Normally she does not tolerate others holding her, but she was passed around with ease and barely fussed about it. She even flashed some smiles at the Department Heads, which made mommy proud!! After a long day outside in the fresh air, we came home and Rachel passed out for a couple of hours.

I missed Rachel's 3-month birthday, but I will be sure to get lots of pictures in the coming days and weeks. Here are her latest stats:

• Rachel is 12 lbs and 24 inches long. Her head circumference is still 15.75 inches. So that puts her in the 50th percentile for weight and circumference and the 75th percentile for height. Who would have thought we would have a tall, skinny kid?


• Rachel is doing excellently at the sitter. She has a young friend named Ben there, who is only a few months older than she is. Every day when I drop her off, she starts to cry, which breaks my heart. But by the time I pick her up in the afternoon, she is giggly and smiling. The sitter says she keeps to a perfect schedule.


• Rachel is still not sleeping through the night. I don't know if she gets hungry, because she doesn't eat much at each sitting. Or perhaps I have caused her to develop a bad habit, because I let her sleep with us after she wakes up. So maybe she wakes up because she senses that it is time to sleep with mommy. Either way, I am hoping she will start sleeping better soon, because I could use some solid sleep.


• Finally, Rachel is extremely alert. She has started playing in her activity center, and she really enjoys it because it allows her to stand on her own as she plays. She loves to talk and sing to me. I love listening to her and watching her become more independent with each passing day!

Duane and I are going to the Ohio State-Purdue game this weekend for a much-needed "adult day" while Aunt Julie graciously babysits for us. I am really excited for Saturday as a whole, because we also get to see Caden (our nephew-in-the-making) on a 4D ultrasound in the morning. It should be a wonderful time!