That's when it hit me...I have so much to blog about that I really just don't have time to blog about it. I think that most moms out there can relate to me on this. Moms are behind almost everything that happens in each family member's life in some way. We are the behind-the-scenes puppetmasters.
So I began speculating what would happen if I weren't around for, say, a week. I would be whisked away to some remote island paradise, leaving my husband to take care of everything that I do at the height of my busiest season. But I would leave behind a To-Do list to help him throughout the day.
Now, don't get me wrong (because my list is obviously for comedy and doesn't cover everything a Dad does), my husband works his butt off. He is running a busy plant in Columbus and trying to start a bowling alley in his "spare" time. But the next time he comes to me and suggests that I just sit around or that I am not pulling my weight, I think I will give him my To-Do list and see if he understands just how much I do without him ever knowing that I did it.
Because that is the key to being a Mom, isn't it? We do all of this without documenting or saying that we have done it. We aren't doing these things to "get credit" for doing them. We just do them because they need doing. So unless you are Beyonce, J-Lo, or Michelle Duggar (who has live-in help galore), sit back, relax (easy for me to say!), and see if you can relate to my Life As A Mom:
LIFE AS A MOM
- Get ready in the morning (~6 AM).
- Get Kid #1 up and going (lay out clothes, check on progress as you get ready).
- Get Kid #2 ready (change diaper, change clothes, pack diaper bag with food for the day and milk, load into carseat as you argue with Kid #1 about what she is allowed to take to the babysitter/daycare).
- Drop off Kids (unload Kid #1 from the car, monitor #1 as you unload #2 to make sure #1 doesn’t run into the road).
- Full-time job (consumes ~8 AM – ~5 PM, including travel time; take phone calls throughout the day and squeeze in as many errands as possible at lunchtime, including shopping for kids clothing, birthday presents).
- THREE TIMES A WEEK: Rush home to squeeze in a 45-minute workout before picking up children.
- Pick up Kids (try to talk to daycare provider about Kid #2 as Kid #1 talks to you incessantly about what she wants to do when she gets home, make sure Kid #1 doesn’t take off into the street as you haul Kid #2 to the car).
- Drag laptop case, diaper bag, and purse/pump into the house with Kid #2, after you have unhooked Kid #1 from restraints safety harness.
- Put milk away for next day, place coats on hangers/wherever, put laptop safely tucked away as you listen to Kid #1 beg for a TV show and milk.
- Sort through mail and fret over the bill that has appeared out of nowhere for $200 that you thought you paid already/insurance was supposed to cover/you have no idea what it is for.
- ONCE A WEEK: Attend swimming lessons/gymnastics/soccer or whatever else you have #1 involved in to expend as much of her energy as possible.
- Argue with #1 about dinner options.
- Get dinner ready for #1.
- Change diaper of #2 and try to distract #2 while you get #1 settled with dinner and a show.
- Tidy the counter in the kitchen so it looks less like a bomb exploded there.
- RANDOM: Make beauty appointments to maintain the appearance of trying to look good.
- Feed/Nurse #2. Begin watching DVR’d show.
- Pause show to answer question from #1 about toys/shows/food/drink.
- Make dinner for yourself. Try to eat this and resume DVR’d show while #2 whines at you for more attention.
- Pause show. Greet husband when he gets home. Listen to him tell you that the counters look like a bomb exploded there.
- Bite lip as husband gets #1 hopped up on sugar.
- Play with #1 and #2 for 20 minutes.
- Get #2 ready to eat dinner. Tell #2 that he needs to eat his dinner while he spits it back out at you and makes noises with his tongue.
- Listen to husband about husband’s day at work. Try to be supportive and attentive, while eyeing what #1 is doing and continuing to feed #2.
- Clean dishes/unload dishwasher/load dishwasher with husband’s dishes/re-wash dishes that crappy dishwasher didn’t quite get clean.
- Clean up toys that #1 has dragged out.
- Empty trash in bathroom/kids’ rooms/kitchen.
- ONCE A WEEK: Do Laundry for Kids #1 and #2. This is a massive amount of laundry. (See item above re: shopping for Kids’ clothing.)
- Fold and put away laundry for Kids #1 and #2.
- Resume DVR’d show.
- Pause DVR’d show. Tell #1 to get ready for bed.
- Get #2 ready for bed.
- RANDOM: Give #1 and #2 baths so they don’t become smelly kids at the daycare.
- Argue with #1 to go back to bed at least 3 times. (See comment about husband getting #1 hopped up on sugar above.)
- Get #2 in bed. Monitor #2 throughout remainder of evening to verify #1 did not wake #2.
- Feed Dog. (Tell Dog to go away repeatedly throughout the night because #1 sneaks food to Dog and this gets Dog sick.*)
- *Clean up mess left by Dog when #1 has snuck food to Dog. Give Dog evil stare.
- Return downstairs to resume DVR’s show. Discover that husband has started watching his own show.
- Call family to finalize plans for birthday dinners.
- Pay bills and balance which bills will be paid with which paychecks.
- Check bank account and balance budget against what husband has secretly spent during the week.
- ONCE A MONTH: Arrange monthly playdate with friends.
- Research elementary schools for #1. Make sure #1 is preparing for Kindergarten.
- Maintain quasi-adult-like relationships. (Facebook is your main medium for this.)
- Listen to husband complain about you being on Facebook too much.
- Work freelance to pay for unexpected expenses and possible family vacation (see below).
- Resume DVR’d show to unwind your brain.
- Crawl into bed for 5-6 hours.
- REPEAT.
WEEKENDS/DAYS “OFF”: - Catch up on all sleep missed during the week.
- Organize coupons to go grocery shopping.
- Make final list to go grocery shopping. Ask husband repeatedly what he needs from grocery store.
- Go grocery shopping. You must take #1 and #2 because husband has plans to do something important. (When you get home, husband is still playing video game.) Listen to husband complain that you have no food.
- Clean house because #2 is close to crawling and your floor is gross.
- Schedule doctor/dentist/photo appointments for Kids.
- Attend doctor/dentist/photo appointments for Kids.
- Go to Church so #1 and #2 have some knowledge of religion.
- Attend monthly playdate with friends.
- Plan possible vacation for family. Balance husband’s schedule against possible dates to go that would be within non-existent budget.
- Make cakes for friends, family, etc.
- Attend family gatherings as scheduled.
- Try to have adult time with husband.
CHRISTMAS: - Go Christmas shopping with all your free time and stress about Christmas budget and making sure all gifts have been purchased.
- Decorate Christmas tree.
- Teach #1 the meaning of Christmas.
- Buy Christmas outfits for #1 and #2.
- Listen to husband complain about what you have/haven’t purchased.
- Try to decide whether you have time to do Christmas cards.
- Wrap presents for family, Kids #1 and #2, and husband whenever they aren’t around for a few minutes at a time.
LIFE AS A DAD - Wake up early.
- Go to work (6 AM – 4 PM).
- Go home.
- Complain about house.
- Eat food.
- Complain to wife about job.
- Complain about wife to wife.
- Play with Kids.
- Play video games.
- Text friends with weekend plans.
- Ask wife to do something with her “free time” the next day.
- Help wife get Kid #1 to bed because wife seems busy. (Not sure what wife does with all her time.)
- Tell wife she should get oil changed in her car at lunch the next day.
- Go to bed. Ask wife for sex. (Give wife guilt trip if she turns you down.)
- ONCE A WEEK: Do laundry. Wonder why wife has stopped doing your laundry.
- SUMMER: Mow lawn once a week. Refuse wife’s offer to do this.
- CHRISTMAS:
o Go shopping for wife’s gifts.
o Wrap wife’s gifts.
